Bones' List
by SnarkyMuffins
Summary: Also known as 51 things that would end Leonard McCoy and Jim Kirk's friendship. (Pre-established Kirk/Spock)
1. Chapter 1

**Warnings: Swearing, attempt at humor, Leonard and Jim's usual antics, nothing bad**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything *sigh***

**Note: Leonard's list to things Jim can and can't do. I'm considering writing little drabbles that explain why everything is on the list. Let me know if you want me to. Edited, but not betaed. Enjoy and R&R**

1- Do not come to me with any or all sex related injuries, from oh, let's say you pissing off Spock

2- Do not come to me for a really stupid injury that could've been prevent by A-common sense or B- Growing half a brain. Example: Tripping, or messing with Scotty's ship

3- Do not come to me for hangover relief

4- Do not come to me with any injuries from pissing off Spock (not to be confused with number 1, those are just sex injuries in general)

5- Do not come to me with any alcohol caused injures i.e, ones from a bar fight

6- Do not get sexual harassment charges, or else I will testify against you

7- Do not copulate with my staff, or else I'll tell Spock

8- Do not drink the last of my Romulan Ale

9- Do not tell me about erotic sex stories from your past

10- Do not tell me about erotic sex stories from your time with Spock

11- Do not tell me about sex with Spock in general

12- Do not ever chew gum in my Sickbay

13- Do not write on the biobed

14- Do not wear short shorts in the gym when I am present

15- Do not flirt with my staff, or else I'll resign (not to be confused with number 7, this is just flirting)

16- Do not fraternize with my staff, or else I'll…just don't

17- Do not make me go on that transporter pad unless my skills will for sure be needed on the landing party

18- Do not talk about my fear of dying

19- Do not tell me how to run my Sickbay

20- Do not try to be my wingman, unless I requested your services

21- Do not try to hook me up with an Orion hooker

22- Do not become mushy with Spock in front of me

23- Do not eat foods so bad I'm sure your heart will explode on the spot around me

24- Do not flirt with me

25- Do not copulate with me, sorry

26- Do not get drunk without me

27- Do not…not invite me to poker

28- Do not ever dare me to remove all my clothing and run down the hall screaming 'Star Spangled Banner' in a singing voice

29- Do not ever erase or look at my PADD history

30- Do not ask about why you cannot erase or look at my PADD history

31- Do not get so drunk that you throw up on me, that's my job

32- Do not share any sex stories I tell to you

33- Do not ask me for sex advice 34- Do not ask me about kinky things

35- Do not ask me for lube, I give you a bottle every month

36- Do not ever ask me to ask you why you need lube

37- Do not ever talk about my divorce

38- Do not wear any of my uniform shirts

39- Do not tell me why you might wear any of my uniform shirts

40- Do not expect me to throw you a birthday party after the one at the academy

41- Do not ever throw me a birthday party

42- Do not ever buy me one of those things you bought me again

43- Do not ever act like we are a couple during shore leave

44- Do not ever give me a present that A-smells like old cheese B- Spock has touched and/or picked out C- Is itchy D-Has to do with sex E-Isn't alcohol

45- Do not tell me about what happened on the Bridge. If I wanted to know, I would've gone up

46- Do not throw away this list

47- Do not discount anything on this list as bluffing or false

48- Do not tell Spock about this list

49- Do not make fun or mention this list to my face

50- Do not break any of the rules above

There you go, Jimmy. Enjoy.

P.S- Rule 51: Do not send me down to the planet's surface in a red shirt


	2. Spock's List

**Warnings: Swearing**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything Star Trek, or any of the movie/song titles that are shown**

**Notes: So, I already posted this list on AO3, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to post it here. But, I got some positive feedback (thank-you!) so I decided to switch it over. I will also write mini-stories describing how each rule came to be on Bones' List, but I am uncertain if I will do so with Spock's. Thanks for anyone who reviewed and I hope you continue to do so! Also, unbetaed.**

Spock's List

1- Do not offer me chocolate

2- Do not continuously knock and/or request access to my quarters if I denied your request before. Exception to this rule is if there is an emergency requiring my assistance

3- Do not pointedly stare at my posterior on the Bridge

4- Do not attempt to force me to visit Doctor McCoy

5- Do not repeatedly hum 'Om' when I am attempting to meditate

6- Do not share details about our sexual encounters

7- Do not make sexual comments and/or references in public

8- Do not dress up as a Vuclan on the Earth holiday known as 'Halloween' as you did the previous year

9- Do not mock me when my back it turned to you

10- Do not engage in flirtatious behavior with other crew members

11- Do not engage in copulation with other crew members

12- Do not dye my hair while I am sleeping

13- Do not cut my hair while I am sleeping

14- Do not cheat when we are engaging in a game of three dimensional chess

15- Do not attempt to engage in copulation with my person if I am sleeping

16- Do not attempt to engage in copulation with my person if we are on the Bridge

17- Do not attempt to engage in copulation with my person if we are in the mess hall

18- Do not attempt to engage in copulation with my person while I am showering

19- Do not attempt to engage in copulation with my person if I denied your request

20- Do not interchange my uniform with Earth apparel

21- Do not turn down the temperature in my quarters

22- Do not attempt to engage in a role play fantasy during copulation

23- Do not slip animal flesh into my substances 24- Do not attempt to get me intoxicated

25- Do not call my father to arrange a 'birthday party' with him

26- Do not coddle me if I am afflicted with an injury and/or illness

27- Do not 'snoop' on my PADD

28- Do not hack my PADD so when I receive a message, a twenty first century song by the title of 'Sexy Bitch' plays, or by the title of 'Girlfriend'

29- Do not private message me while I am within speaking range of you

30- Do not private message me items/text/images that are meant to be sexually arousing

31- Do not refer to my father as 'Pops' and/or 'Dad' and/or 'Daddy' and/or 'Papa Vulcan'

32- Do not pierce my ears in my sleep

33- Do not continue to create 'ship names' such as Spirk

34- Do not attempt to make me watch any of the following earth films: 'The Notebook', 'Titanic', 'The Last Kiss', 'Marley and Me', 'Two Brothers', 'Milo and Otis', 'Armageddon', or 'What's Eating Gilbert Grape'

35- Do not attempt to persuade me into believing that when you watch any of the movies listed above, your eyes are only 'sweating'

36- Do not attempt to use any 'pick-up' lines, such as 'Want to learn about human biology? Come with me and I'll teach you some'

37- Do not attempt to make me express humor through illogical, feline-revolved videos

38- Do not attempt to convince me that 'Armageddon' is a non-fiction film

39- Do not place a whoopi cushion on my seat before I arrive at the Bridge

40- Do not change or alter anything on this list to meet your requirements

Number 41 is of utmost importance, T'hy'la. I suggest you avoid breaking it.


End file.
